so that’s it I now a monk right. that’s it right no escape. not right worse: always an escape I know it I see it always an escape a route never taken. worst of all indeed. there’s a way out life’s out there you don’t take it that’s your fault. bam. doomed. hence deduce all the rest no hope no change etc each time denied no always hope always change you don’t do you don’t take a chance etc. your fault. bam. condemned.
then rephrase no escape from doom that’s it yes. doom comes first as already said. doom this cap on my head riveted. I’m a good bottle please open me. please don’t leave me closed like this. please.
back to it then what else is to be done. life wasted now. couldn’t be otherwise. etc. reframed into life not wasted you are young still so many opportunities. your fault if you don’t take them. your fault. always. bam.
and thus predictably the crises the loneliness the stagnation etc. and worse than everything probably this stupid language. not mine not theirs no one’s. sadly no one’s. yet you could say. no one’s yet. if you work if you keep on maybe in twenty years yours etc etc think of Ponge think of many others. patient workers reaching the top. that would be an escape. but of course doom has to win so add yeah ok maybe but then an escape in utter misery. like work your whole life maybe get there maybe get to that top that high place of escape but the path is death. work your whole life in the end die like a frustrated prick and get your lovely leatherbound annotated shroud. great.
more thoughts, useless but what else is to be done. mediocrity always this bad fantasy this self-fulfilling prophecy. I tend to think about it as something future but it’s wrong. it’s not tomorrow it’s now. I’m mediocre now. I’m mediocre now and sometimes I’m scared of it to be the case for the rest. for the time I have left. and I can go on with the usual same refrains like I tried work no you didn’t not enough I tried to get away no not enough I tried no never enough and so on. as if one more easy game for the doom to win. for each time I lose of course each time the doom says no of course everything is still possible just keep on just do it and every time I’m the inferior one the failed one the lazy one the stupid one. and back to this. this language. ugly plain stupid same as me same as doom wants it. and I say result of no work even if I know that’s not really true result of doom rather.
but I keep on and I say kind of good point hence soon so destroyed that all me language thought etc those ones even if not written even if shattered etc somehow it would work. like ok doom you want it I’ll do it then and make you shit yourself. and so say precisely because shattered precisely because the will no longer outside towards nonshattered towards life towards anything but back on itself back towards dark empty nothing towards deep in shattered shit until it’s something until it’s a core etc precisely because of that I say then only then maybe a language shatteredness made cosmos and this kind of hope corpse rising at the end and bam end of text that’s it. doom lost. or won. not sure. what else is to be done.